I am a shy introverted slacker. I have no self-discipline, little motivation and a ton of fear and regret. I have made so many mistakes in life and I’m not sure how to go where I want from where I’m at. In fact, I’m not sure where I want to go. My modus operandus is to run from what I don’t want, sometimes ending up in an even worse place than where I was. I’m overweight and underemployed with no savings, no house, no retirement plan, nothing. I’m ashamed of my past, terrified of the future and spend much of the present sleeping. I am in a relationship in which I’m afraid to ask for what I want or to ask what my partner wants. We talk about nothing other than 80’s cartoons and spend the rest of our time online or vegging in front of the tv. I offer nothing to the world and am basically just waiting to die.
However, I do actually want some things, but feel that I am not disciplined enough, courageous enough, or not enough of something to get it. I want a nice comfortable house on some land. I want to be engaged with my partner. I want to be engaged with life – to feel that the things I do or don’t do matter. I want enough income to be able to travel occasionally, to take classes, to try new things. I want stability. My whole life everything I’ve had or done was only temporary. I can live in this place until something better came along. I can date or be friends with this person until I found someone who treated me better. This job is okay for now. I haven’t put any effort or thought into building a life. Every few years or so, I just get rid of everything and start from scratch. I am tired of this impermanence. I want to change from being me as a slacker to being me as satisfied and content. I want real friends, my own house, and my own work that helps the world. I want to define my terms and then live within them. I’m going to make every effort to make this happen. I’m going to stick to plans and create good habits even when they’re hard or boring. I’m going to create a new life. This is a blog dedicated to that ideal. To go from nothing to a life worth living.